this week's guffaws- Happy St. Paddy's Day!

We could certainly use a wee bit of the luck o' the Irish around these parts, as Pudge is tackling his second round of strep throat in a month, with fevers that keep spiking into the "holy crap!" numbers. So, perhaps with St. Patrick's Day on the horizon, and the Irish blood coursing through my kids' veins, we'll begin to see happier days ahead!

It's also the perfect time to share some Irish-themed funny emails, and I want to preface all of this by saying that I don't truly believe that the stereotypes apply in real life... but they often do make for good jokes!

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me ,

have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

**************************

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"'Tis a good thing, too -- that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.

**************************

'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.

**************************

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes', and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

**************************

The Doctor was puzzled, 'I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O' Flaherty. I think it must be drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

**************************

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

**************************

Here's to searching for a green shirt this Wednesday, kissing people with stickers proclaiming their Irish heritage, and adding O' or Mc to any last name just to fit in!


Happy St. Patrick's Day,

now posting regularly

Now for an acronym that I actually enjoy every single day- NPR. Wednesdays around these cyber-parts mean it's time to round up the stories that caught my ear (or eye, thanks to their Facebook feed) this week.

• "Naps May Improve Performance Later In The Day"-- Holy cow, if I didn't utilize the kids' daily naptime as my usual free time to be online, I would absolutely be pulling up a pillow next to them. And, look! NPR says that I shouldn't be ashamed if I make that choice, because clearly, I would be having my entire family's best interest in mind, right? "Improved performance later in the day" for me might mean an oven-cooked dinner as opposed to grilled cheese sandwiches and an energetic wife at 9 pm instead of a snoring mass on the couch. Thanks to you folks at All Things Considered for bringing this to my attention!

• "Teacher Takes In A Teen, And Gains A Family"-- Here's another StoryCorps piece from Morning Edition that tugged at my heart strings. This continues to be a brilliant project that gives voice to many!

• "Home Births Rise, Mostly By Choice"-- From NPR's health blog, Shots, this story caught my attention, even though I'm past the stage in my life where I'll ever again have to make all the considerations that go into preparing to give birth to a child. It's a topic I'm interested in, though, and I'm glad to hear that there continues to be a small rise in out-of-hospital births, because for some women, it just makes sense, and the option isn't all that well known about in many cases.

• "Top Republicans: Yeah, We're Calling Obama Socialist"-- Ugh. As much as I hate politics, I'm still drawn in by them, because I want to be informed about what's going on with the folks who get to make all the big decisions in our country. This story made me roll my eyes and shout at my computer. Ugh again.

• "The Woman Behind 'My Sharona'"-- Thanks to All Things Considered, I found out that there was an actual person named Sharona that inspired that cool, cool song by The Knack. Neat-o.
  

• "Druid Peak Pack Down To Lone Wolf"-- This piece, also from All Things Considered, saddened me, and I was surprised at how negatively I reacted to the fact that there will be no intervention for the lone surviving wolf that is being observed from this particular pack. They're letting 'nature take its course,' but it still sounded quite heartless in a way.
  

• "Changing an Institution: The U.S. Postal Service"-- Finally, the first part of today's Kojo Nnamdi show interested me, and I learned another thing-- did you know that the USPS is not a governmental agency, or was I the only dolt who was under that impression? They apparently stopped receiving federal funding before I was even born, but I had no idea. But it does explain why usps.gov redirects to usps.com.
  

Spreading the NPR joy,

more stupid acronyms

It's March in Maryland, so there's only one acronym on the mind of anyone associated with a public school, especially the parents of the students who will be spending LOTS of time filling in bubbles with their No. 2 pencils this month-- the MSA, or Maryland School Assessment for those not under its spell.

I remember taking some standardized tests back in my days of elementary school- we did an Iowa and a California test, which always confused the hell out of me, seeing as we lived in Connecticut. But, all I remember was that we took the tests for a couple of days, and that was about it. I don't recall them being mentioned much, if at all, before the actual testing days and from what I can remember, there was no specific preparation for those particular tests. We all know that I'm an anxious adult, so it should come as no surprise that I was an anxious child, and even without any real pressure or big to do about the testing, I remember that I still freaked out internally.

Now I'm the parent of an anxious child, and the letters MSA have been in his vocabulary since they were introduced within the first week of school last year in the third grade, the first level that is tested. By the time March rolled around, he became increasingly vocal about his concerns about the test, and at one point he even burst out with his fear that he wouldn't pass third grade if he did poorly on the tests!

Dear lord. Is this what we call education?? I'm disgusted with how the No Child Left Behind crap has influenced the way teachers are expected (or allowed) to teach, and I'm saddened by the implicit pressure that is part of the whole MSA shebang. Last year when he freaked out, I made a decision that may or may not have been the best parenting choice of my career. I told him not to worry about the stupid tests at all. I told him to do his best, but that nothing bad at all would happen if he completely failed the tests. Nada. I wouldn't care. His grades wouldn't be affected. All that it would mean was that he didn't pass one single test- no indication of what he had learned all year and no assessment of the 10 months of work he busted his butt on. Nothing. It would be a number on a piece of paper, and that was all.

Thankfully, his teacher this year is pretty low key about the whole thing- I don't hear him majorly stressing about the process, only complaining that he's expected to sit still and be quiet for those periods of time of the actual testing. And that he can't read a book after he's finished each section, which is a travesty to him. But in a school where the first thing that's announced to parents on Back to School Night is the Almighty Test Scores (can you hear the chorus of angels in the background??), it's inevitable that he's being sent the message that this one test is the be all and end all of his education. And that is a Mighty Senseless Assertion, if you ask me.


Often wishing that I had the fortitude to home school,

mean mommy strikes again

Guess what? Red is upstairs crying in her bed. (See the picture over there? That is a self-portrait she drew- she wanted me to caption it, "This is me crying." At least she's self-aware.)

I know. Shocking news this is not. It seems like her default setting some days. But today, I did everything I could to prevent this tantrum that I could see coming a mile away, like a tornado still faint in the distance, but clearly gaining strength and speed.

So here's the deal. We're currently at the stage in which whatever I ask or state or suggest is met with the exact opposite reaction from my darling almost-four-year-old. (Or alternatively, this is no stage at all, and she's just blessed with a temperament from hell. One or the other.) I am all about giving "warnings" of what is to come next. We live our weekday lives very routine-ish, as in you could set your clock by the time that we sit down at the lunch table, read a story or two and climb into bed for naptime. Lately, Red has been making a big to do about nap at the very last minute. She climbs into her bed while I put Pudge to bed in his room, and when I return, she's struck the Pose of Defiance. You can picture it, I'm sure. Some days it's sitting with legs and arms crossed, complimented by a grimace of disgust on her face. Other days she'll be found lying 180 degrees in the wrong direction- feet on pillow, head angrily stashed under the blanket. On really bad days, she'll be back on the floor in classic tantrum position- face down with her arms and legs stretched out until she looks up with a gruesome Munchian Scream expression lighting up her beautiful face.

Today I was met with opposite-direction-Red on her bed, so I climbed in and calmly stated that I would be available for snuggling for a few minutes if she chose to do so, and that when my time for snuggling was all finished, I would be leaving and not returning. So, it was up to her if she wanted to snuggle with me or just spend the few minutes being grumpy, but that I would NOT be coming back on her bed to snuggle more after that time, even if she threw a fit upon my leaving.

Can you predict how that scene played out?

Oh yeah. She poured on the drama, turned her back on me and spent a few minutes dramatically sighing and humph-ing to herself, all squished up against her bed rail, and I just laid there and tried to think calming thoughts in my head. (i.e. "You can eat Girl Scout cookies once their both asleep and no one will try to take them from you!") I then announced that I had one minute left for snuggling time, and after that one minute, I would say good night. She responded by continuing her opposition, and I literally counted to 60 in my head to be sure that I didn't make this a Mommy's-in-a-rush-so-one-minute-equals-27-seconds kind of moment.

And then it happened. I kissed her forehead and I started to get up and she squealed, "BUT!! I want to snuggle!!"

Dear lord. You've got to be kidding me, right? I did everything by the book, dammit! I stayed calm. I made my expectations clear. I explained what was going to happen. C'mon!

I could have made the next half hour a heck of a lot easier if I had just reclined back on the bed and spent 20 seconds holding her. But I didn't. Nope, I'm a mean mommy, or so I've been told. Instead, I gave her another kiss, briefly reminded her that I told her when snuggle time was, but she chose to squash her face into the bed rail instead, and I got out of her bed. (Okay, okay. I couldn't resist a classic mommy-move: "Now, do you think that tomorrow you will snuggle with me when I say it's snuggle time instead of throwing a fit?" I'm guilty as charged.) I told her I loved her, and I left the room.

And she screamed. And cried. And proclaimed my Terrible Mother status for all the world to hear with her declaration, "I just want to snuggle with you Mommy!!"

But now, 30 minutes and no return visits to her room later, it's mostly quiet. The verbal assault on my heart has subsided, although I do think she may be moving around in her room a little bit if the creaks are any indication.

That, however, is a battle for another day.


This mommy apparently means it,

this week's guffaws

What? A Sunday guffaws post? Holy cow, it's been a while, and I'm not exactly sure why it's been so long, other than the fact that Sundays have been kicking my butt lately with home and family stuff, and by the time I get to my computer, I have no energy left to tackle a post.

But, it's time to reintroduce the guffaws, because this week, I was among the gazillion people to watch the Presidential Reunion on Funny or Die- seriously one of the best sites for comedy. I would be filled with shame if I didn't take the opportunity to promote this fantastic piece of hilarity. These are some comedic geniuses.

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

Hopefully, I'll make my way back to a regular guffaws posting schedule. There's truly a gold mine worth of laugh-inducing randomness on the Internet, and I for one could always use a healthy dose.


With undying love for sketch comedy,

now posting regularly

Holy cow, NPR. You've seriously got to slow down, because I've got these three kids and a cute hubby and a ton of books and a couple of TV shows all vying for my attention, and I'm finding it hard to keep up! As you can see, a whole lotta fun and informative and thought-provoking stories caught my ear this week, and maybe, just maybe, something here will strike your fancy, too.

• "Taking Black History Out Of The Peanut Gallery"-- Even though it's no longer "Black History Month," this essay by Sam Sanders is certainly worth the read. It's an interesting topic to think about- the pros and cons of having one month "dedicated" to the history of one racial group. I really appreciate this perspective, and I'm glad that NPR chose to highlight it on its Facebook feed.

• "Mother, Son Create A New Life For That Old Sweater"-- Okay, I absolutely love this story from All Things Considered, and I think that I know several knitters who could do this same sort of thing- "reknitting!"

• "Prince Loves Public Radio, Gives Exclusive To The Current"-- Prince is a musical genius. That's not my opinion, that's just pure fact. And now that I know he is a fellow public radio junkie, my adoration for him has increased tenfold.

• "Ozzy Osbourne: The Prince Of Darkness Gets A Book"-- Nope, not going to declare Ozzy to be a musical genius, but he was certainly entertaining to watch trying to eat a breath mint strip on MTV. If you thought trying to figure out what he was saying when the cameras followed him around for his reality show was challenging, try to decipher him talking on the radio!
  

• "Chile Quake Shortens Length Of Day"-- Sure, everyone has already heard about this, and it's been posted on Facebook by a gazillion people, but just add me to the list. It's kind of cool to ponder... if it will really ever have any sort of measurable effect on people of the future!

• "Glenn Beck Vs. The Poodle, And Other Facebook Faceoffs"-- Speaking of Facebook, this one made me laugh. I'm going for the poodle, personally. It's definitely got to be less rabid.
  

• "The Teen Brain: It's Just Not Grown Up Yet"-- Brain research astounds me. This article supports what parents have been saying for ages... and what I'm terrified of in just a few short years!

• "New Sweet Treat: Breath By Chocolate"-- What?? I'm confused by this one... why would we want an alternate to eating chocolate?? Oh... it's virtually calorie-free... well, there's that, I guess.

• "Readers Review: "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett"-- Diane Rehm and a panel discussed this fantastic novel this past week. I recently read it, too, so I look forward to listening to this segment at some point!

• "The 2010 Census"-- Another Diane Rehm piece that was made more interesting to me by way of a dear friendship with a statistician who works at "The Bureau." I want to publicly add my voice to the Census Bureau's advertising campaigns-- fill out the form when it comes, people! Stand up and be counted!
  

Whew! I'm wiped out just thinking about all the reporting and researching and writing that goes into all the NPR shows that I enjoy!


Long live NPR,

every day should be like today!

Today would have marked Dr. Seuss's 106th birthday, and like every year, the NEA is celebrating his amazing work and the joys of reading with Read Across America! I had the privilege of writing about it for 5 Minutes for Books the other day in our On Reading column, and I'm taking this minute to plug this wonderful event one more time.

For our part, we've already read for a bit this morning, and we even used about 149 staples to put together a special The Cat in the Hat hat for Red. (Pudge has uniformly declined from wearing a paper hat... we'll try again later...) The Dr. Seuss books are in place in the "special books" basket in our living room, and the kids and I also decided to do a little Mo Willems-a-thon reading event later on, too. (Yes, they helped decide... it's not just me!)

Today, like every day, is the perfect day to grab your kids and a whole mess of books and just go to town with the reading fun. The smiling faces are the greatest reward!


That is that,