I checked out a book from the library that I had seen mentioned in an educational magazine- Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults. I'm only two chapters in so far (reading time is hard to come by these days), but I'm already feeling like taking a sledgehammer to my own head simply for the way I often think about J. I'm not saying that this book, or any other book that I have read about ADHD, gives him a 'free pass' of sorts to behave however he'd like. But, it certainly makes me rethink my natural tendencies for parenting approaches with him that just add fuel to the figurative fire. The more I read, I realize that I need to learn just as much (more??) self-control than my 7 year old does. I need to be able to step back and assess a situation in a more rational way, always keeping in mind just where he is coming from, before I react. Easier said than done. This book is helping to remind me that this condition is NOT about lack of willpower, it is NOT about just not doing things because you don't want to, but there is research documented evidence that there is something different happening with the chemicals in his brain than in the average person. I get that, I just have to remember to remind myself of that when I get frustrated with his choices and his behavior.
To add to my ever-piling-high-mound-of-guilt, we had a parent/teacher conference with his fantastic 2nd grade teacher today. She was kind enough to make time to meet with us before the school calendar scheduled date (which is 5 days after my due date). She sat before us for a good half hour talking about J, and I just wanted to cry. I felt a unique mixture of pride and happiness and sadness and wistfulness in reaction to her description of this life he leads five days a week that seems so foreign to me. She said the things we expected- she can tell when his medication is wearing off, he is more impulsive in his answers to questions, that he sometimes needs redirection to stay on task, that she advises him to slow down and think before completing a problem. I expected those things, but hearing it still makes me sad that it has to be a part of his life. I just so wish I could fix it for him. It scares me to project these traits a few years down the road. This has always been him. We saw how these characteristics manifested themselves when he was in preschool, we see how they impact the growing academic expectations that are put on him, and I'm fearful to think what roles they will play in his life as he gets older. God, thinking about adolescence at all scares the crap out of me, but a-more-than-usually impulsive teenager?? Enough said.
But then his teacher went on to say how bright, polite, kind and thoughtful he is on a regular basis. He's enthusiastic about his work. He's excited about science projects. He fully participates in group activities. His reading is amazing, and he's working hard to articulate his thoughts and perceptions during in-depth discussions with his reading group. He works hard. That's the thing-- he does work hard. And I think I just don't give him enough credit sometimes.
So, I'm officially putting it out there that I know I have an amazing person in my family who tries his hardest to do all that is expected of him, even with significant obstacles constantly challenging his efforts. It'll probably only be a few hours from now that I'll need to repeat these words to myself as a sort of silent mantra to stop from getting frustrated, but I guess I should give myself a little credit as well. I'm trying my best, too.
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