But, in the spirit of displeasure, I knew I needed to rant about something. So here it is- something completely different that's got me all worked up right now.
Listerine Whitening Pre-Brush Rinse.
I am so totally ticked off that I wasted money on one of my Target birthday or Christmas gift cards on this bottle of crap. That's right, Listerine, I called you crap. You're a big misleading bottle of water, alcohol, hydrogen peroxide and handful of other hard-to-pronounce ingredients. I say you have sullied the good name of Listerine.
Here's what's got my extra large panties in a bunch. I bought this stuff because of the packaging. The pearly white bottle, the Listerine name- these things evoked good feelings. I know that Listerine is fantastic at killing icky mouth germs, and my dentists have always recommended it. The white bottle had me envisioning my newly white-white teeth, you know, just like a celebrity. (Is it just me, or does every person on tv have blindingly white teeth?? No one I know in real life has teeth THAT white!) And, if I'm not mistaken, those giant all-caps letters on the bottle tell me, "EASY WAY TO WHITEN TEETH." Easy, you say? Fantastic, I am a fan of easy. Easier than slapping those strips on my teeth and then having to refrain from speaking for 10 minutes? (Yeah, like I can go 10 minutes without talking!) I'll take it. I balked at first at the almost $8.00 price tag for a 32 fluid ounce bottle, but it was on a gift card, so I felt that I could splurge.
I bring it home, and because I'm a weirdo, I put it in my shower, because that's where I brush my teeth every morning. (Multi-tasking in the shower just works for me. I brush my teeth as the water rinses the shampoo away. I wash my face while my conditioner sets in, too. I'm a creature of routine.) So on the first day that I go to use my new easy whitening pre-brush rinse made by the trusty people over at Listerine, I of course read the directions before beginning. Step 1: Rinse, Step 2: Brush. Okay, I can handle that. I proceed to read the rest of the label as I'm rinsing for 60 seconds. (Yeah, I read labels, too. Just adds to my overall weirdo-ness.) Here's what I'm presented with on the back of the bottle.
This bottle contains 64 uses or 32 days of usage. Results expected at 12 weeks. Results may vary.
Huh? What's that, again? Let me do the math. So, if I follow these directions to a tee, and use this product twice a day before I brush my teeth, I'll use this bottle up in 32 days, you say? Okay, that's just a little over 4 weeks. Hmmmm... when did you say I can expect to see some results? Say again? 12 weeks?! That means I will have to use this product of yours, product developers at Listerine, religiously for 4 weeks, then go buy another bottle, use that one for another 4 weeks, and I still shouldn't expect to see any change in my dang teeth?? I have to put my faith in your work so strongly as to go buy a third bottle, use it again for another 4 weeks and then I'll see results? Oh, wait. You want to make something clear? What's that you're saying? Oh, results may vary, huh? So, after 3 bottles and twelve weeks totalling approximately 192 uses, I MAY see whiter teeth in my mouth? If I shell out $25 and wait 3 months, then I JUST MIGHT have whiter teeth? Yeah, not bloody likely. Can someone explain to me what exactly about that scenario is easy?
So, I may be frustrated with my oldest child's behavior, and A-D-H-and D again might be my least favorite letters in the alphabet, but Listerine is at the top of my you-know-what-list.
I also hope that I've used the words Listerine and Whitening Pre-Brush Rinse often enough as to pop up as a matching link if anyone Googles this rip-off product. Listerine, this is me giving you the evil eye... along with slightly yellowed teeth.
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