You know, I just gotta start by saying that I am so tired of fighting. I'm tired of reading things online and getting all flustered and angered and defensive. I'm tired of feeling like being a mom is all part of some elaborate game, one that I am perpetually losing at. I'm officially taking myself out of the game.
Here's what has inspired this latest rant. Have you seen this story? The short version is that these women wrote a book that documents the stories they collected from moms about their "dirty little secrets." These moms shared the things that they felt described their realities, their guilty pleasures, the things that they may have felt comfortable shouting from a rooftop, or the things that they wanted kept as anonymous entries. I haven't read the book, but I am quite interested in the concept. You see, I'm constantly trying to connect to people, and as being a mom is the part of my life that is the most encompassing at this time, I'm always looking to meet and communicate with other moms. So, I look forward to reading this book and seeing where my feelings intersect with those of other moms.
As I read the short article online, I saw the link to the message board which asked readers to share their own dirty little secrets. I clicked on it and began to read. Bad idea. The first couple posts were written by moms of young children and described the things that these moms find themselves doing as regular parts of their lives that perhaps they didn't expect or felt somewhat guilty about-- having the tv on too often, not always cooking the best foods, wanting to mow the lawn as a break from having to be in charge of the kids. (These are my very simple perceptions-- the original posts are much more descriptive.) I read them and nodded, I could relate. Then there comes a post that blasts these women out of the water. A mom calling herself "Not perfect and proud" decides to berate these other women for caring about the tv time or the lack of gourmet meals or feeling apprehensive about wanting time away from the kids. I think the seemingly very angry mom was trying to make a point about not putting pressure on yourself to attain some apparently idealistic version of what it means to be a good mom, but in my opinion, she got WAY lost on the path to communicating it. I proceeded to read the first page of responses, several of which were simply back and forth communications between people who had already posted. I honestly had to stop reading after a little bit, as my heart was beating fast and I was feeling so frustrated with the nasty tones.
Here's the thing. When did motherhood become an all out competitive sport? Why do we feel that every choice made by others is open to debate or judgment? Why can we not share our own personal realities without having to prepare a potential line of defense? On a broader scale, women are constantly pitted against each other, and it becomes an almost ingrained response system. But for moms, it becomes even more multi-layered. Fat moms vs. skinny moms. Breastfeeding moms vs. bottle-feeding moms. Co-sleeping moms vs. separate-room-family moms. Working moms vs. stay at home moms. Man, the list could go on and on and on. Then there's the inherent competitiveness that can take over a conversation with a mom who has a similarly aged child as you-- the questions that start off innocently enough, but soon turn into an all-out one-on-one game. What percentile is your baby's weight/height? Is he rolling over yet? Solid foods? Sleeping through the night? AAARRRGGG. It's enough to make me stay isolated in my own little home fearful to visit a playground in the daylight hours.
Here's the thing, and it's more than just a simple, 'Why can't we all just get along?' I so wish that we could all stop feeling as if we have the RIGHT answer. Let me clarify-- maybe what I'm choosing each day in my life with my children is the right thing for me. On that day. Or that morning. But, why would that have to transfer to anyone else? What's right for me on Monday might not necessarily be what I choose to do on Wednesday, you know? I feel like I'm all over the board on this post, but what I'm trying to say is this-- some days I feel like I've got it all together, I'm able to keep my house semi-clean, play games with the toddler, make a good dinner, read stories to all three kids, and go to bed feeling pretty accomplished. Then there are days that I don't get a shower until 2 pm, the television is a large chunk of our daily entertainment, and we eat boxed mac-n-cheese for dinner. You know what? My life is somewhat like walking a tightrope-- I'm just trying to find a little balance... and survive long enough to get to the other side. Above all, I don't want to feel guilty for not being 'perfect,' as undefinable as that may be. But on the flip side, I also don't want to be belittled for finding value in home-cooked meals or limited television time or going to PTA meetings. Does it have to be an all or nothing kind of thing? Can't it just be each mom doing her best, WHATEVER that means in her own opinion, each day?
So, I'm going to try my very best to repeat these very thoughts to myself the next time I find myself thinking that another mom should just do things the way I do them. My house is SO totally made of glass, people, and I'm not picking up any stones.
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