regrets, part deux

You know, I just have to say that my belief in this world of blog has been even more cemented by the reactions I got to yesterday's post. I didn't want to get all into the sordid details of the story of a year ago, but I felt I needed an outlet to get out the intense feelings that have been building up in me as 3/17 approached. I'm still struggling with feelings of regret and guilt, wishing this never came to be. I've been thinking and thinking about how things went wrong, and wondering at what point I could have made even a slightly different move that would have completely changed the subsequent course of events. I was feeling particularly masochistic yesterday apparently, as I went back and reread all the emails that were sent my way a year ago. It's interesting how I could perceive them differently 365 days later. I was more saddened this time around, rather than the blinding anger I experienced initially. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I didn't react with anger in my responses back then, but sat on them for a day, or even just stopped emailing completely and picked up the phone. Would we have been so quick to say the things we said if we were actually talking and not typing?

The bottom line is this: I cannot go back. I cannot change what was done, said, emailed. But I guess I have options now. Lovely hubby says that I can't keep torturing myself with this. He says that it wasn't my fault. I do know that our dear friend was going through a terrible time in his life, and I just couldn't relate to, understand, believe or respect the choices he was making. That was perceived as judging, but as I look back on it now, I think it was truly grounded in concern-- for him and those around him being directly affected by his actions. I know now that I didn't communicate that when I should have or in a constructive way.

So, I'm left with this. I have been composing an email in my head for days now. An email that doesn't dredge up the old situation or reopen the door to the argument of who was right, or who hurt whom more. Just an email that says, hey, I'm sorry this happened. I miss having you in our lives. I want to send you pictures of our surprise number 3 baby. Ultimately, I want to know that you are okay.

postscript: Since our friend is on the other side of the country, an in-person communication is impossible. I did the next-best-thing today. I sent the email. I'm kinda on pins and needles wondering if I'll get a response, but the other part of me actually feels quieter, better. Thanks for the wonderful and thoughtful responses from you all!

I just don't know if an email like that would even be opened in the first place, let alone how those words would be received. I'm not a risk-taking kind of person. At all. And this, my friends, would be a huge risk. I'm honestly not sure what I'll do, but it's still in the front of my thoughts.