who's who of the hoo-ha

Seeing as Pudge is now 21 months old (I still feel obligated to use months until the 2nd birthday for some reason), I figure it's been well over a year since I made my last trip through the Jiffy Lube checkup that us women have the joy of receiving each year, like the really awful birthday present you expect from your Auntie Lois. Since I'm a list maker, I feel that I must defend myself by stating that the task of making an gyno appointment has been on the third tier of my to do list for... oh... what's it been... just about 10 months... Ahem. I've been busy apparently, but I've realized that it's time.

Enter the joy of trying to find a new doctor. I loved, loved, LOVED the midwives at the birthing center where JAM and Red were born, but unfortunately, that center went the way most natural, non-hospital based births are going in this country, so by the time Pudge was joining the picture, we had to pursue other options. We went with a different birth center, that while not nearly as beautiful a physical setting (basement of a medical building vs. free-standing Victorian home, complete with private balconies off the bedrooms), also had an amazing staff of midwives. The biggest downside was that both of these centers are not exactly next door, and for just a yearly exam, I'd like to find a place that's closer-- something I can walk to on my own, so that I don't clutter the waiting room with a crew of people who really don't want to be there. Hence the online searching for a local practice.

But here's the thing. I'm kind of particular about who has access to the parts down below. (I don't rent it out for long weekends, that sort of thing.) Long ago, I had a male gynecologist-- I was a VERY innocent teenager who was simply having a not-so-fresh issue that my mom deemed a worthy cause for my first womanly visit. I remember laying on the table in extreme terror, and you wanna know how this educated, beyond middle-aged medical professional decided to break the tension?

He quacked the speculum at me.

Go ahead. Read it again. It won't lose it's edge, trust me. Like a duck. Quack quack. Complete with open and shut bill action.

Yeah, that did it. I think I inadvertently saw one more male gyno at some point over the years, but otherwise it's been the wonderful ladies of Planned Parenthood, private gynecologists of the female persuasion and fantastic women midwives for me. As I looked at the online list on our insurance's website, I was pleased that it gave the option of choosing the gender of a doctor in the searching criteria. I clicked the female box and started the quest.

I soon found out that there is an apparent shortage of lady hoo-ha checkers in my town. LOTS of practices, but a limited number of practitioners who actually live in a body with the very same goods they're trained to check. Do I sound crazy to even care about this? Part of this is just my simple comfort-- I can't say that I would feel at ease going through the conversation points I wish to initiate during my next visit with a guy who's all up in my business.

Really though, it goes a bit further for me. No offense meant to all those hard working male ob/gyns, but I can't seem to think that I would hesitate going to see a dentist who just happened to carry a no-teeth-growing gene on his DNA. How could he speak from experience? How would I talk to him about flossing, say, and the challenges that I experience with it? I need to talk to someone who can not only talk the talk, but is also forced to walk the walk each day, too. I need someone with book learning as well as personal life experience. Ideally, I want a gyno who's about a decade older than me, who can help prepare me for that womanly path ahead. (I've heard there are cracks in the sidewalk and perhaps a boulder or two to watch out for.)

Hopefully it will all work out. After a few eventual misses on the list of questions- Are you accepting new patients? Do you still accept my insurance? Are you still located in this office? Do you have any female doctors on staff?- finally an office that was four for four! Hip, hip, hoo-ha-ray! Now I just have to wait until the end of October to be seen. Let's hope my female doctor doesn't skip town like all the others in the meantime!


Hoping for a match made in gyno/patient heaven,