I've struggled with trying to find a balance of what I write on here about JAM, conscious of his rights to privacy but also restless for some outlet for myself in my thoughts about parenting him. It's no secret that his ADHD impacts all aspects of his life, from school and peer relationships, to emotional self-control and behavioral choices, but I've been somewhat sparing in the dirty details. I find myself going back and forth with being frustrated with him and feeling disheartened for him when he gets himself into silly trouble or does something that I find simply inexplicable.
Above everything else, he's my eldest child, the reason I could first be called Mommy almost ten years ago, the center of my heart. I want him to feel good about himself, and that just seems to not be the case lately. Each time I try to talk with him about some questionable thing he's done or reminding him of some responsibility of his that's gone unmet, his immediate response is one of self-flagellation. He calls himself names that tear at my heart. I wonder how much is just a reaction of intense frustration in the moment and how much is truly ingrained in his own self-image. I feel like I'm dying when I hear him berate himself, but I can't figure out an approach to working with him on things that need improvement (focus, memory, self-control, and the other myriad of ADHD challenges) without reinforcing these terrible beliefs that he seems to be building about himself.
Add to this a question about if he can continue at his current school for next year, and I'm just a wreck. (He doesn't know that it's questionable yet, because the last thing he needs is more anxiety!) Seriously, if he needs to switch schools for the final two years of elementary school, I don't know what kind of effect that's going to have on his already turbulent emotional state. Ugh ugh ugh. I'm just at a loss about how to help him right now, what choices to make to assist him, or what choices are even viable options, at that.
Years from now, when I look back at this entry (as I imagine I'll do, since I'm somewhat obsessed with reading old diary entries or writing pieces), I hope I can do so from a place of peace, knowing that whatever the future brought, he was able to thrive and he knew in his heart what an amazingly smart, funny, loving and strong person he is. That's about all a mother can wish for, I imagine.
Teary-eyed, worried, but hopeful,
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