I've struggled with trying to find a balance of what I write on here about JAM, conscious of his rights to privacy but also restless for some outlet for myself in my thoughts about parenting him. It's no secret that his ADHD impacts all aspects of his life, from school and peer relationships, to emotional self-control and behavioral choices, but I've been somewhat sparing in the dirty details. I find myself going back and forth with being frustrated with him and feeling disheartened for him when he gets himself into silly trouble or does something that I find simply inexplicable.
Above everything else, he's my eldest child, the reason I could first be called Mommy almost ten years ago, the center of my heart. I want him to feel good about himself, and that just seems to not be the case lately. Each time I try to talk with him about some questionable thing he's done or reminding him of some responsibility of his that's gone unmet, his immediate response is one of self-flagellation. He calls himself names that tear at my heart. I wonder how much is just a reaction of intense frustration in the moment and how much is truly ingrained in his own self-image. I feel like I'm dying when I hear him berate himself, but I can't figure out an approach to working with him on things that need improvement (focus, memory, self-control, and the other myriad of ADHD challenges) without reinforcing these terrible beliefs that he seems to be building about himself.
Add to this a question about if he can continue at his current school for next year, and I'm just a wreck. (He doesn't know that it's questionable yet, because the last thing he needs is more anxiety!) Seriously, if he needs to switch schools for the final two years of elementary school, I don't know what kind of effect that's going to have on his already turbulent emotional state. Ugh ugh ugh. I'm just at a loss about how to help him right now, what choices to make to assist him, or what choices are even viable options, at that.
Years from now, when I look back at this entry (as I imagine I'll do, since I'm somewhat obsessed with reading old diary entries or writing pieces), I hope I can do so from a place of peace, knowing that whatever the future brought, he was able to thrive and he knew in his heart what an amazingly smart, funny, loving and strong person he is. That's about all a mother can wish for, I imagine.
Teary-eyed, worried, but hopeful,
Without having to look any further than this post I can clearly see that you are going to do everything that you can for him. He's blessed to have you for a mother, Dawn and as pathetic as internet friend cheering can be at times - I'm doing it for you!
ReplyDeleteDawn, I am so sorry. I can hear the anguish in your words and wish I could sweep it all away with a magic want. So hard for both of you right now. I am assuming since there are issues with school that they have not been a huge source of support for you or JAM. Hoping you can find the support you need in some other local sources...support group for parents of children with ADHD (CHADD), professional counselor to help you brainstorm/develop parenting techniques that will address his current needs, and perhaps a professional advocate to help you navigate the school system. Most of all I hope you take care of yourself. You are a good mama and JAM is lucky to have you there beside him. So hard to see our kids struggling. I am sorry and hope the worry monsters quiet down soon for both of you.
ReplyDeleteMan, I am so sorry. I would feel the same way. JAM is such a neat kid. I really hate that he is having such a hard time and that you have to watch him go through this - so hard on a mother's heart! Hugs and prayers to you friend.
ReplyDeleteall i can offer is a virtual hug...hang in there...
ReplyDeleteYou sound like me, execpt I'm struggling with this with my 6yo (not ADHD though... it's something else). Have you seen a developmental ped? GOOD ones I've heard can really make a huge difference. That's the path we're on at the moment.
ReplyDelete*hugs* to you, and one thing every professional we've talked to has said is to focus on the positive that he does to ensure that he remembers those parts. Oh, and one suggestion for Mister Man has been to break up the day into small pieces and have stickers showing where he's done well in each piece so that he has some triumphs and not just all "bad days" -- good luck :(
I am right there with you Dawn, same reason: ADHD. My youngest one is a constant challenge, a real test of my patience, and a huge worry for all the same reasons. Therapy, threats, rewards, a drug store full of meds. Just last night I was congratulating myself on how well it was going when not 15 minutes later all hell broke loose. But something gives me faith that this too shall pass. In the mean time take care of yourself too!
ReplyDelete@Farrell- thanks, man!!
ReplyDelete@Bob- I hear you about testing your patience, although it's a test that I routinely fail, big time!! And I fully understand about all hell breaking loose... man, sounds like we have a lot more in common than I realized. :) Thanks for offering an understanding comment!
He will overcome this, and unfortunately when we can't do anything else, worry and concern are all we can offer along with a mother's love.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine that writing about our kids gets harder as they get older, especially when there are challenges. Is there any chance a new school could be a new, fresh start for him? Maybe a good thing? Best of luck and many thanks for your so sweet comments on my blog. I'm about a million years behind on reading/commenting/etc.
ReplyDeleteMy friend. I wish we could just live next door to each other so that I could see your face and hug you and you could hear me screaming at my own children through the walls. Maybe that would make you feel better? What are the chances of both you and I having such rocky relationships with our first? I feel so lucky to have you :)
ReplyDeleteI think it would be cool if future you could come back in time and leave a comment to reassure you. She would if she could, you know.
ReplyDelete