this week's guffaws

Okay, it's clearing out the files time, so everything has to go, go, GO! For your enjoyment (hopefully), I present to you an odd assortment of the contents of my guffaws files. Nothing like the X-Files or the Rockford Files, although I've never actually seen either of those old shows, so I'm just going on assumptions here. Get comfy, start reading and let the giggles commence.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blond already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F!"

He smiled at here and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back at her and once again said, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blond finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duhhhh?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T means Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."

Ready for some more? Here they come, rapid-fire like...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

********
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

********
"Mr. Clark , I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

********
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

********
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

********
A blond calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blond says and hangs up.

********
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery."

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

********

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

********

And finally, one that is most likely a made-up joke but still made me giggle when I first saw it. It came to me with the subject line: Always check your child's homework!




And then, of course, the follow-up text below says:

Mommy actually works at Home Depot, and she was selling a shovel.

Wishing for a week's forecast of sunny and 100% chance of laughs,