freeze frame

It's no secret that I'm an emotional kind of gal. And, it's certainly been played out on here that I have recently finished my favoritest novel ever... for the third time (because I'm a dork like that). So, it kind of goes without saying that my emotions have been working overtime as of late.

I've been head-blogging (a term I'm trying out-- does anyone else start to compose blog posts in their head while doing other things like showering, preparing dinner, falling off to sleep?), about some dark and depressing themes, but I don't think those posts are ever going to see the light of day. They mostly revolve around death and my fear that I too often take my dear daily life for granted, and it could all change in the blink of an eye. (See what I mean about the dark and depressing nature of these thoughts?)

I'm trying instead to channel my thoughts in a more positive way, and I've had so many moments in just the past few days when I swear that my world stood absolutely still, and I was frozen with alternating feelings of joy and sadness. Joy for the loveliness of the moment, and sadness for the fact that once the moment is acknowledged, it begins its inevitable passage. Uh-oh... sounds like I'm going on the wrong path again.

Let's start again. So, I've got this unbelievably adorable little guy who we lovingly refer to as Pudge, and he's been a major catalyst for my wistful moments of wanting to freeze time. His one year old spirit is funny as all out, and it brings my heart immeasurable joy to know that he has inherited the wacky sense of humor that runs in the family. In my emotional wreckage this week I've been watching him with eyes that keep tearing up. I don't want him to grow up. Sound crazy? I want him to remain a toddler forever. I want him to keep his silly 'cheese face' whenever he sees the camera. I want him to stay cuddly and forever be able to climb into my lap when it's time to do 'rock-rock' at bedtime. I want to always be able to watch him run after the bigger kids in his special way that cracks me up every single time. I just want to freeze him in this wonderful time, so he can be just this same little guy forever.

Is it the last-child-syndrome that's affecting me? I know that we'll have no more children, so this could be chalked up to me realizing that my last baby is growing up. But, I don't want any more babies... as much as I loved being pregnant and holding a brand-new person in my arms, I really don't want another baby. I just want to remain the mommy of a one year old for all my days. This beautiful little guy.



Trying my best to hold on to the present,