word of the month

I seem to live my life in cycles, which I'm pretty sure I've said a gazillion times here. Well, I've poured my (too frequently angry and frustrated) heart out here before, and I'm still struggling to find a more consistent keel to my moods. Pair that with my desire to experience more gratitude in my life, and I'm choosing to embark on an online challenge beginning with this post.

My conscious effort begins now, thanks to the Gratitude Challenge. I'll be following their 21-day schedule with additions to this same post each night, and the link to this will remain over there in the sidebar with their lovely little gratitude widget. Follow along, if you'd like, and hopefully you'll be witness to a grateful journey.

Now, here's my latest effort:

Saturday, 11/21/09, DAY 21 (last day):

Reflect on the 21 days of The Gratitude Challenge and what this process has meant to you.

I can't believe that this has come to an end. I've really enjoyed having this thought hanging around in my head each day, trying to keep some focus on the daily "assignment" throughout the craziness of regular life. It's been eye-opening to me to realize how often my first thought can be negative- whether it's in reaction to something the kids have done or some random event of the day- and that it's kind of a challenge for me to bring the thought back to the positive aspects of my life that I really do need to express more frequent gratitude for! Sure, some of these "assignments" have been cutesy (my favorite of these being the ABC's on Day Two), but others have been truly meaningful and important.

At the end of this, I could certainly feel a little discouraged by some of the realizations that I've made in the last 21 days... or I could simply feel grateful for the opportunity to become aware of this area for change. And beyond that, I need to continue to honor this mindset in my thoughts and my actions. It's not necessarily easy, but how often are the big things in life, right?

With 21 days down, I feel a little more aware of my growing level of gratitude, and I'm hopeful for continuing this process on my own. Just in time for the upcoming turkey day of gratitude, I feel happy and, yes, grateful.
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Friday, 11/20/09, DAY 20:

As The Challenge winds down, write a thank you note to yourself. Thank yourself for taking the time to stop and focus on all the little things for which you feel grateful.

Well, I kind of feel like I should be thanking the challenge (and its creators) for putting this out there for me to stumble upon. I'm well aware of my tendency to harp on the negatives in my life, and I've wanted to at least try to refocus some of that energy to expressing gratitude for a while now. It sounds so easy, right? Just be thankful. Well, I've found that it's not always that simple, but I'm glad to have made the effort. Beyond just the energy it's taken to blog even a little bit each and every day for the last 20 days, I am happy about my effort in this challenge. I feel a bit Stuart Smalley-ish writing this, but I'm a rule follower...

Dear Me,

Yes, it must be strange getting a note from yourself (myself), but I (you) wanted to take a moment to thank you (me) for the last 20 days of self-reflection and energy. While we haven't always been successful at staying positive all the time (or on some days, even 50% of the time...), we've made a valiant effort to look around and really comprehend all that we have and hold dear. Gratitude is sadly fleeting, because it's much too easy to take all the basics of our lives for granted- from our loved ones around us to the warm blankets that we curl up under each night. Thank you for trying just a little bit to better the person, the wife, the mama that you are. Your (our) work is so far from being even close to finished, so keep the gratitude priority in the front of your (our) mind. And go kiss those beautiful kids and lovely hubby of ours, will ya?

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Thursday, 11/19/09, DAY 19:

Have confidence in the all the choices you have made today and be grateful for being able to believe in yourself.

In my first few weeks in my new role as Mommy way back in the summer of 2000, I realized that my ability to ever be confident about any choice, however seemingly unimportant, was gone. For good. I really thought that for the rest of my days I would question every single decision, from the "Which pediatrician should we use?" to the "How many crackers should he be allowed to eat?" issues. In the nine years of "experience" since, I'd say that my inner critical voice has quieted a bit, but certainly not enough for my personal taste. I still reevaluate most spur-of-the-moment parenting decisions, mostly about my own reactions to conflicts. I wish I could say that I'm confident in my ability to always handle the seemingly never ending sibling bickering around here, but I'm not there. (Yet? I'm sure I have LOTS more years of it ahead of me.)

I tried to do this today. It was rainy and cold this morning, and it would have been really easy to send JAM off to the bus stop on his own-- no shoes/coats/hats/mittens retrieval and application, no standing in the drizzle fighting with a particular stubborn redhead about keeping her damn hood on her head, no pushing a stroller through puddles... But, I realized too that it meant no little ones shrieking with laughter while running with the 'big kids' at the bus stop, no simple conversation with JAM during the few quiet and unrushed minutes of the morning, and no simple wave to him as he boards the bus that brings him to that world of school that he inhabits completely without us. So, we got out all the gear, we loaded up and walked out in the rain, we talked and laughed and ran around and got wet enough that new pants were required when we got home. And I was pleased with myself for that one decision that I made, even if I did so somewhat begrudgingly.

So, while I still wondered if I was handling the tantrums and the I'm-a-new-two-year-old-so-I-can-be-CRAZY behaviors in the best manner, maybe someday I'll get there. I want to be able to be grateful for a respectable self-confidence level, so that's gotta count for something.
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Wednesday, 11/18/09, DAY 18:

For the past three days, you have focused on appreciating what makes you unique. Write about all the things that make you so lovable. Take a moment to appreciate your personal style, talents and charm.

Lovable, huh? Well, I guess I am devoted, which if I were someone I was taking care of or providing for, I would appreciate. I certainly love to laugh, so that undoubtedly has to be lovable, right? I'll even admit to a bit of pride about my own sense of humor-- when I was still working, I happily provided the lighter moments of our monthly staff meetings, and for that I was appreciated by almost everyone on staff. I do think I'm a good listener, when I really make an effort, which is hopefully appreciated by my friends. As far as personal style- it's hard to put this into words without sounding too cliche. I do think I'm down-to-earth, sometimes brash, always real. If I'm really comfortable, and I'm in the right company, I'll admit to some salty language, usually accompanied by a large dose of laughter. I'm not sure how all of this makes me unique, though... I think there are a whole lot of people just like me out there! (And I'd love to hang out with you all!)

In my role as mom and wife, I hope that my care taking and love make me lovable in return. Perhaps this is another of those assignments that has the benefit of making me think a little more about the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I hope to become. Never too late, right?
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Tuesday, 11/17/09, DAY 17:

Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today. OR?

Perform random acts of kindness throughout the day.

Well. We appear to be having technical difficulties today. I've been looking at the .pdf file of the entire 21-day schedule to guide me with this challenge, but just looking one day ahead at a time. I thought that today's task as it appeared on the .pdf file was a bit generic for this far in (the first option up there), but then I figured that perhaps it was kind of challenging in itself to come up with 21 different assignments! Then I had the idea of double checking on the widget over there which came up with the second assignment up there. The problem? I didn't check the widget until after 7 pm tonight. Yeah. Oops.

While lovely hubby had some random acts of kindness in mind that I could still squeeze in before the end of business day, I thought I'd go with trying to think about what RAoK I have done in the recent past. Sad thing is that it's not a very long list. At all. My life is such a routine from day to day, and the fact that I come in contact with few people other than the kids all day, makes it harder to come up with good ones for this...

When we walk to the bus stop in the morning, I often bend down (sacrifice right there!) to pick up trash to deposit in the trash can at the bus stop. Now mind you, I don't pick it all up, because quite honestly some things are just too nasty to pick up, but newspaper, water bottles, beer cans (nice, huh?), random junk I can handle. Does that count? I'm routinely a hold-the-door kind of person, even if the person coming is a bit behind. I'd rather stand there for a few extra seconds than be the JA who let the door close just as someone is walking up. When JAM has school trip or activity things that need parents to pay, I always pay just a little bit more than is required to add to the fund that covers kids whose parents can't/don't pay. I enjoy randomly walking up to the kids and giving them a kiss on the cheek, too, although I'm not sure how much that fits in here, either.

So, I'm pretty sure that today could be considered a complete wash, but now I know to double check ahead of time! And, I've got the RAoK idea refreshed in my head, so I'll be on the lookout for future opportunities.
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Monday, 11/16/09, DAY 16:

Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself. Write them down in your journal.

Ooh, I was right with my first impression that this week was going to be the toughest. I'm thinking that if this task calls for looking at oneself in the mirror, the focus is supposed to be five physical things one loves?? Dear lord, this is going to be harder than I thought. I have a little thing where the image I see of myself in my mind doesn't match in many, many ways with what I see in the mirror. My mind-image is of years ago- many pounds ago, fewer gray hairs ago, significantly less wrinklage ago- so I'm not particularly a fan of looking in the actual mirror. But here goes nothing...

1. I like my eyebrows. Sound silly? Yes. If I could afford in money or time or energy to get them waxed regularly, they'd be modelish, I swear. But for now, they have to suffice with my own random tweezing, but even with that, I think they're kind of nice.

2. Since we're in the eye area, I have to say that I am thankful for my blue eyes-- they're something that can't gain weight, and even though they have an insanely terrible astigmatism and nearsightedness, no one else can tell. And ever since I first got contacts in my high school senior year, I have been glad to be able to show my big blues. (Even though Red likes to point out all the red squiggly lines... guess I need some more sleep...)

3. I didn't used to like my smile all that much- I distinctly remember being self-conscious of showing too much teeth. (What?!) Not now, though, which is kind of refreshing. I like when I come across a picture that was taken of me and I have a genuine, happy-in-that-moment smile on my face. Not the smile that I try to put on when the camera comes out (think Chandler in Friends), but a smile that is recognizable to me as real.

4. In that same vein, I have to say that I love my laugh. It's loud, it's brash, and it's most likely annoying to others, but when it comes out it's the real thing. I really do value humor in my life, and I love when the occasion presents itself for a good hearty laugh.

5. Well, looking in the mirror now in November isn't the same as in August, but my freckles are still pretty evident even now. I remember having that Dr. Seuss book My Book About Me when I was a kid, and one of the pages is for drawing the amount of freckles you have on an illustrated face and recording the actual number. I'm pretty sure that I wrote "I give up" about my attempt to count them. With the gray hairs and wrinkles that have accumulated lately, it's nice to see some reminder of my youth- the dotted bridge of my nose makes me grin.

There are five actual things that I can say that I like when I look in the mirror. Imagine that.
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Sunday, 11/15/09, DAY 15:

Take the time to focus on yourself. Appreciate and give thanks for your unique personality, skills and talents.

So, apparently this final week involves being grateful for who you are, which may be the biggest challenge yet. Focusing on myself most often translates to focusing on all the things I do wrong, and all the characteristics I'd like to change... which would be simply too depressing to begin to list here, and also not so much what this is supposed to be about. Trying to do this right way... so let's see what I can come up with.

I do appreciate that I was gifted my father's terrific sense of humor. (Not that my mom isn't funny, but I think I got more of my dad's funny bone.) It really is a joyful thing to come up with a witty remark and make people laugh-- I'm thankful that I can appreciate humor from other people as well as contribute my own once in a while, too. On this day that my baby- the baby that would not have existed had our 'plan' not gotten messed with (rescheduled vasectomy= pregnant Dawn, and Pudge 9 months later!)- I can't help but appreciate the immensely hard work that I was able to persevere through to bring my children into the world. To each her own labor, definitely, and my natural experiences in birthing centers made me appreciate a level of strength in me that I never knew existed. Personality? I guess I have a good personality, although that is unfortunately what people say about the not-so-attractive blind date they're trying to set you up with, right? I'm thankful that in adulthood I've overcome the shyness and timidity that overshadowed my childhood, and that I now feel comfortable striking up a conversation with a stranger in the right circumstances. I like to think that I'm a good friend (but feel free to correct me in the comments section, if need be), and I think the best complement that I could give myself would be that if I were someone else, I would most definitely want to be friends with me. (If you can understand that weird scenario!)
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Saturday, 11/14/09, DAY 14:

It’s been two weeks since you started The Gratitude Challenge. Write about how The Challenge has changed your perspective thus far.

I wish that I could say that it's fourteen days in and I've transformed into this vision of patience, emanating gratitude at every turn all day long.

Ha.

It's going to take more than fourteen days to break some pretty long-standing ways of looking at the world, but I'm happy that I'm trying to keep these ideas forefront in my mind. Recently, a classmate of JAM's died. Yup, a nine year old died after a lifetime of health challenges that I never even knew about until after he was gone- from the times that I saw him at school or community events, he appeared to be just another happy kid running around with the rest of them. To find out that another family in our community was dealing with this loss weighed on my heart, and I was engulfed by a sadness for these wonderful and loving parents who suddenly found themselves inhabiting a completely different world. I began to focus even more on my desire to feel more gratitude for the value in my life, and this challenge began a few days later. Even with these daily 'assignments' and the reality of an unimaginable loss in my immediate community, shamefully, it's still been a real challenge for me to make gratitude be my default attitude. But, I'm still trying. And I hope that even when the framework of this 21-day challenge is done with, I can still find daily reminders for myself to stay committed to being thankful first.
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Friday, 11/13/09, DAY 13:

Pick three friends or family members you see regularly. View their actions and gestures through a positive lens, assuming their goodness and witnessing their best intentions.

Well, I guess the people that I see regularly would be those four housemates again, and for the sake of this task, I'm thinking Pudge should get the pass since most of his actions and gestures are in the hopes of getting a cup of chocolate milk in return. This is similar to yesterday's and certainly a needed focus for me. Instead of getting frustrated with lovely hubby over something silly, I really do need to take a moment to think about things from his perspective, even if that's a challenge. When it comes to the kids, it wouldn't hurt for me to not instantly assume that they're trying to angle for something whenever they open their mouths.

This one was more difficult to actually complete in one specific day, but seems more to be one of these things to keep in the front of my mind. I did try to really look at JAM and his actions during the crazy school morning rush, and I took a moment to appreciate that he filled his water bottles on his own without any prompting. And Red had a couple moments today in which she was overtly kind to another child who she was playing with- something that truly is monumental with young children.

Just like yesterday's assignment, this one needs to stay fresh in my head-- I am definitely in need of a positive outlook makeover!!
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Thursday, 11/12/09, DAY 12:

Today, make the effort to live life with a positive outlook. Restrain from criticizing the people around you. Dare to see the glass half full. Listen more than you speak. Give freely of yourself. Practice kindness at every opportunity.

Yes, there's no doubt about it... this is definitely the most challenging task yet. Just by saying that, I am admitting my worst flaws- my critical eye, my pessimism, my habit of talking, talking, talking... and unfortunately, these fantastic traits see their most action in relation to the ones closest to me. If you asked each of my four housemates, I think they'd argue over who gets it the worst.

So, with that being said, it's plainly obvious why this one was difficult. It was eye opening, although not a new experience, to see how quickly I react to situations with a correction, a "you should..." statement or a "why did you...?" question. Good lord, I can be really insufferable. The question remains- how do I keep this thought in the front of my mind everyday??

We had our once-a-year scheduled conference with JAM's teacher yesterday, and she had a slew of good things to say about him as a student and as just a kid, while we spent an hour the night before outlining all of our concerns. What the hell is wrong with us? Our motivation is pure and good- we want him to learn strong work habits, try his hardest, embrace learning, and we most certainly don't want to miss the boat on when we can help him to get these habits in place. I feel like his entire future is this unpaved road that we have to walk down a few steps ahead of him, making sure the obstacles aren't gigantic, but we also have no idea what to expect around each turn. And it seems to us that every challenge is potentially life-altering and each mistake has no do-over button attached. With that feeling always present, the result is an atmosphere of constant critiquing that doesn't make anyone happy. We have had countless moments of realization that we are too hard on JAM, and I think this week marked the latest.

In honor of today's task, I made it my mission to acknowledge the cool things he did and not just point out where he could have done something better. It's hard to admit your own flaws, especially publicly so, but it's also harder to know that they're there negatively affecting the ones who you love, and sit around doing nothing. Point well taken, DAY 12, thank you. I will try (and probably fail time and time again, in between a few successes hopefully) to keep your spirit alive in my thoughts, and to kick that critical voice in my head to the curb.
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Wednesday, 11/11/09, DAY 11:

Try to see the world through the eyes of a child. Think about the things you take for granted on a daily basis, and then express gratitude for everything down to the basic necessities that sustain your current life.

Wow. I definitely take my hot shower for granted in the morning, but thank goodness it's there, because without that, I'm simply not human. What else? I'm grateful for the breakfast that I get to eventually eat by mid-morning. And for the appliances that help my daily jobs of laundry, washing dishes, cooking, and other various cleaning tasks done. And for the fact that there clothes to wash, food to cook, and floors to vacuum. And for the pieces of technology that, while are clearly not basic necessities, certainly do sustain my current (online) life. And for the comfy IKEA couch that cushions my tush every night as lovely hubby and I curl up for a good TV show or to play the game of dueling laptops.

Much gratitude for the necessities, and the many, many extras, that keep my day to day life going!
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Tuesday, 11/10/09, DAY 10:

Pick one of your five senses to focus on today. Take note of how many gifts come to you via that single port of entry. Write about this experience.

With one nostril completely blocked up today (making me a mouth-breather, which is always lovely), the choice of sense of smell was out, and sight, touch and taste didn't seem to be right for this one. That left me with hearing to focus on, and here's what I remember noting today:

• Walking with the kids through our neighborhood brought the loud crinkle of leaves under our feet and the even louder cracking and crunching of acorns under the stroller wheels. Red was overjoyed when she found small enough acorns that she could crack by standing on them. I remembered being a kid and walking to the bus stop in a way that maximized the number of leaves I crunched through. New England in the fall!
• While we didn't see any of the GIGANTIC groups of grackles today like we have in recent days, there were the sounds of single birds tweeting away still in the trees. The sound was significantly softer than just a week or two ago, so I know that our bird population is lessening, with just the year-rounders settling in for the upcoming cold.
  
• The sound of giggling was apparent on the playground, with lots of smiles on swings and slides. I need to focus more on those happy sounds, instead of the sounds of whining, crying and yelling!
• With some major work being done on our street this week (FIOS laying, I believe), the noise from construction equipment was prevalent all day long. It quickly dulled into a background hum, thankfully not even disturbing everyone's much needed midday nap.
  
• Silence. That sound is so welcome by 1:30, and again by 8:30. Don't get me wrong, I love the sounds of "I love you!" and "Mommy, yook at dis!" But I also love the sound of my fingers tapping away on the keyboard (really, it's one of my favorite sounds!), as well as the sound of lovely hubby's slow breathing as he slowly passes out from exhaustion on the couch beside me.

This was interesting to try to stay focused on today. I admit that it was often not at the front of my mind, but reflecting back on it now, it's certainly easy to take for granted all the things we get from each individual sense on any given day. I'm so appreciative for my sense of hearing, even if all I want to hear is golden silence by the end of the evening.
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Monday, 11/09/09, DAY 9:

Enjoy the people around you. Take a moment to appreciate their unique talents, abilities and personalities.

Well, I've started on a new venture today that kept us all at home (I'm purposefully being vague here, but don't worry, it's not anything big), so the people around me today were my lovely family members. And they are definitely full of unique talents, abilities, and most especially personalities. You got Pudge who's about to turn two this weekend, and who is possibly the most fun and funnIEST of the whole bunch. His personality is certainly not getting hidden by his big sister and brother! I think he's got some fantastic physical abilities, and he's in love with hitting a ball of the baseball tee. When it comes to Red, it's easy to recognize her language talents-- she can tell a story like no one's business, and she spins some amazingly detailed and rich tales. The little girl loves to sing, too, and hubby says that she even sounds really good. ("Tone deaf" is not a made-up condition. Trust me.) As far as personality, she's got personality oozing from her every pore. The oldest kid around these parts is one helluva reader, and his vocabulary certainly proves it. (Talking about a book today, he told me it's full of different catastrophes. Love it!) He's earnest about his interests and is insanely knowledgeable about everything Star Wars! Then there's the tallest of us all- my lovely hubby is wickedly intelligent, knowing all the things that dads need to know, which comes in handy, especially when a certain mom is fond of saying, "I don't know, go ask your father." He can build anything he puts his mind to, and our little home is immeasurably more livable and beautiful because of his efforts. He loves me with all his heart, and it doesn't hurt that he's not too bad on the eyes, either!

Those are the people around me, and I'm thankful that they're here!
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Sunday, 11/08/09, DAY 8:

Send thank you notes to five people who deserve a little recognition.

Again, crazy timely assignment! I do need to write thank you notes for the awesome gifts I got last night, as I received several nice bottles of wine, my very own bottle of Amaretto, a couple CD's (more off-color humor AND the new Glee soundtrack!), and beautiful flowers. I will do those this week (my mom raised me right!), but I think this assignment calls for something a little less 'expected' than that. So, the task now is to choose five people... the downside is that I actually don't have any paper notes right now, so I'll be relying on the less personal medium of email. Hopefully it's the words and thoughts that count more than the way of delivering. (And my handwriting is much less legible than a good font...) I think I'll be choosing some family members and friends that I may not tell often enough how much they mean to me in my life. Sending those off now!
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Saturday, 11/07/09, DAY 7:

Take a picture of one thing, person, place or specific moment that makes you feel grateful. Share it with your social network.

It's my birthday today!! After much time spent cleaning the house top to bottom in the last few days, lovely hubby worked his butt off putting together a small party with some pals of ours, along with a TON of food. We honored the decade that I was born in with a fondue-themed party, and thanks to our friends who all pitched in getting it all set up! After much cheese and various other sides was consumed, along with a whole lot of wine that I took care of all by myself, the chocolate fountains were unveiled! There was a ton of fun to be had, and I am so thankful for my friends, my loving husband, and CHOCOLATE! Yum yum.

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Friday, 11/06/09, DAY 6:

Take a few minutes to call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Tell them how much you appreciate them.

This couldn't have been a more timely assignment today. I've been meaning to call my grandmother for a couple of weeks now. (That sounds really, really terrible, "meaning to" and not actually doing it!) This afternoon, I got a call from my mother who just happened to be at my grandparents' picking up one of my uncles so he could spend the weekend with them. (My father broke his wrist a few weeks back, so raking isn't all that easy for him right now, and my uncle will be his physical labor this weekend.) My mom and I didn't chat all that much, since she said she'd be calling me tomorrow (on my last birthday before I get lumped into the 35 and up category). But then my uncles wanted to say hello, and I got to chat for a few minutes with my grandmother as well. Sadly, my grandfather isn't well enough to speak easily on the phone, so we exchanged our greetings through my grandmother. Now, none of these lovely family members are much of phone conversationalists, so it's not typically a deep thoughts kind of talk. But, it is a short talk full of laughter and "I love you's," which always makes me feel more like a child again, connected to this network of grandparents, six aunts and uncles, and a slew of cousins, who completed my childhood weekends and holidays with tons of memories. Having moved from all my family years and years ago, we don't get to see each other all that often, and in the grind of daily life, it's kind of easy to forget that they are out there, so it's always nice to reconnect, even if it is just for a few minutes.

And the gratitude part? I was so happy to be able to express my appreciation to my uncle for helping out my parents this weekend. I told him that I feel bad that I'm not nearby to help out with these sorts of things myself, and I wanted to thank him in advance for working hard for Mommy and Daddy. It was a lovely moment, deepened by the fact that while my uncle suffered a brain injury as a young child that resulted in a serious enough long lasting effect that he, like two of my other uncles and my sister as well, was labeled 'mentally retarded.' Whatever label you want to give him, he has always been a wonderful brother to both my mom and my dad, and a loving and fun uncle to me, my sister and my cousins. When I thanked him for his help with my parents, he laughed and said with his spot on sense of humor, "Well, since you're feeling so thankful, feel free to send me a gift or some money if you want!

I'm extremely grateful for my wacky family and all of its members. Even when we don't get to see each other for months and months at a time, they're always in my heart.
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Thursday, 11/05/09, DAY 5:

Take five minutes to write about how grateful you are for all of the wonderful things that you currently have in your life. Don’t long for what you don’t possess—instead, take stock of all the blessings you already enjoy.

Five minutes, huh? You think that's a hard and fast guideline here? Let's see what I can do with five minutes. Of course, there are the top of the list things-- a loving husband, three healthy kids (some more hearty than others), a roof over our heads and food on our plates, clothes on our bodies, friends who we love and for some reason love us right back. Just thinking about my daily life right now and as I look around me at this very moment, here's what else comes to mind. I'm grateful for my mobility. I may not be in any sort of great shape, but I can walk from point A to point B, even if it involves pushing a giant double stroller loaded down with 75 pounds worth of kids, bags and library books for 45 minutes... I'm thankful for the Metrobus system for those days when pushing the stroller sounds like the hardest thing in the world ever... I'm grateful for our wood burning stove and to my husband for chopping wood for days and days and days to provide us with Jamaica-like temperatures on our main level all winter long... I'm grateful for comparatively inexpensive Swedish furniture... I'm indebted with gratitude toward authors-- thanks to their years of hard work, I get the privilege of curling up on my couch with a blanket and a book that sweeps me up and carries me away, even if it's only for three minutes before I'm beckoned back to my regular life... and, I'm thankful for laughter, whether it's inspired by the funny things that the kids come out with or something lovely hubby lobs my way, or a guffaw-worthy email, or a TV show that leaves me in stitches week after week. My gratitude is much for all these things, and I do believe that my five minutes is up.
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Wednesday, 11/04/09, DAY 4:

Write a short message of thanks for some of the “negative” things in your life.

This one is interesting. My first thought is along the lines of a facebook status I saw the other day in which the person pondered about the stressful things like mortgage and car payments that she is happy to have, simply because they allow her to have a home and a vehicle. I'm thinking that this is one way to interpret today's assignment. Even though it's a challenge to make ends meet on one salary for five of us, I am thankful that I have to write that mortgage check every month, because our little house is a home that keeps my loved ones safe and sheltered, and the bills are there because we have more than we need to survive and live a happy life.

So, I'm happy for lovely hubby's student loan debt that was first incurred when he was an 18 year old going away to a college where we would soon meet and begin this adventure together, now in its 15th year. This debt allowed for him to continue in his higher education and eventually end up in a position of employment that satisfies him and provides for our family. I'm thankful for the medical copayments that we have made because they are the result of us having adequate health insurance that allows for me to get immediate access to care when we need it, even if that means I end up taking a toddler to the ER for what turns out to be extreme constipation. For these, and all our other bills, both paid and still outstanding, I'm grateful for the services and fulfilled needs that they represent.
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Tuesday, 11/03/09, DAY 3:

Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

This one is coming easy to me today, although it may sound somewhat negative in its initiation. Without going into all the back story, there is a much talked about city council election being decided today in our fair city, and I have had months of personal frustration as I followed the news and local discussions about this coming day. There is an image being painted of our city by large scale organizations that I believe to be horribly inappropriate and hugely unfair toward the individuals who have worked on the council for years for a very skewed salary to work ratio. ($10K/year isn't an appealing monetary compensation for the many, many hours of public service required!)

Since even before the candidates could officially declare their status, there was one individual who began campaigning via a flood of paper literature left all over the city (including in my actual mailbox... federal violation, anyone?) and robo-calls galore. As the campaign season progressed more and more questions were raised about this individual's background of financial and domestic violence cases brought against him in the courts. For all the public conversations on community list-servs and letters to local newspapers, there was never even one response from this candidate. Nada. There's much more to the story that would take many blog posts to cover, but I bring this up because it speaks to what I am incredibly grateful for today.

This morning as I pushed the SUV stroller down to our polling place, I was approached by several of the candidates, including the guy from above. I swallowed all the fear that was growing in me at the idea of speaking my mind to this individual, and I just did it. I detailed to him the exact reasons that he would most definitely not be receiving my vote, and I expressed my disappointment in him and his campaign for his complete unresponsiveness to public concern and questions. When he told me that it would have been a 'waste of time' for him to respond to negative questions, I incredulously and vehemently asked him if he was truly stating that it would have been a waste of his time to respond to the very constituents that he wished to represent. He just smiled at me, and I could see that I was provoking more emotion in him than he was going to let his 'political persona' let out.

So, here comes the gratitude part. I am extremely grateful for the fact that I could stand in a public place, with my children by my side, and freely speak my opinions about the political needs of my community without fear for my safety or of retribution. I am thankful for my freedom of speech and my freedom to vote for my elected officials. I tried to my best ability to express myself articulately and logically, without getting emotional or heated, and I was free to walk away, cast my vote and return home. For that I have much gratitude.
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Monday, 11/2/09- DAY 2:

Use the alphabet as a fun and quick format for making a list of things for which you feel grateful. Share this list with your social network through email, a blog post or a Facebook or MySpace page.

Wow, this one might be more challenging than it initially seems... let's see what I can come up with...

Attitude adjustments- when the kids can manage it, and especially when I find the power to makeover my own attitude.
Buses- metrobus & university shuttle buses that stop right in front of my house and bring me where I need to go. Even if it takes longer than a direct drive would, I'm grateful for the option.
Chocolate. Sorry, couldn't resist.
Dark nail polish. For short and stubby nails like mine, that's about the only kind that looks even slightly okay. And, it makes me feel just a teeny bit badass, for a 30-something stay-at-home mom.
Extremely walkable community- I am thankful each and every day that I can walk to so many important places from my home: library, bank, grocery store, pediatrician, dentist, school, community center, playgrounds, and more. I <3 style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(102, 51, 255);">Fleece blankets- we have one in our living room that is heaven to cuddle up under.
Grant and Catherine, aka Mommy and Daddy. My love and gratitude for them is indescribable.
Healthy children who rarely need to visit the doctor's office.
Internet connection. My online life brings me such joy, as dorky as that sounds.
JAM- my dear firstborn whose positive qualities need more of my recognition. He's kind and loving, and always looking out for the people he loves.
Knowing how to type without looking at the keyboard, kinda fast, even.
Lovely hubby- he loves me unconditionally, which means even when I'm being a total bitch. And that's saying something.
Mamas who get me. My dear mom friends who don't judge when I say that I want to run away from my children on those really awful days.
Neck massages from my lovely hubby. He can find the source of my tension headaches in a split second!
Oversized Swedish furniture stores. Okay, there is just one, but it has supplied 90% of our home furnishings, and it feels just right for us. We are IKEA people.
Pudge- my baby's 'cheese face' smile melts my heart, and I just know that he will be my friend when I'm old and gray and he's a fun-loving grown-up.
Quiet afternoons when the kids play together without fighting. (Sure, they're few and far between, but when they come, they're fantastic.)
Red- my little girl has spirit coming out of every pore, and she's surely going to keep us giggling for years to come.
Salads, my way= spring mix lettuce, chunks of cheese, ham, apples and walnuts with that delicious Parmesan and herb dressing from Safeway. YUM!
Target. I love to walk down its aisles even when we're only there to buy shampoo. I feel comfortable in this store that I know inside and out.
Underwire bras. They are very, very necessary after three babies and many pounds. Enough said.
Values- the values that my parents emphasized to me have stuck with me, and I hope will be successfully passed along to our kids. Be honest and kind. Work hard and do your best. Care for your loved ones. And what I heard all the time as a kid- Be good.
Writing book reviews for 5 Minutes for Books. I'm not sure if I have much to offer the book blogging world, but I have tons of fun doing it.
Xtra chocolate?
Years and years of friendship with some amazing people in my life. People who have listened to me cry and cheer and rant and rave, and for some reason still talk to me. They are lifelines for me.
Zippers. I mean really, could you imagine life without zippers?

Now I know my ABC's. Next time won't you sing with me?
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Sunday, 11/1/09- DAY 1:

Today you start The Gratitude Challenge. Sign the contract and make a commitment to take note and give thanks for the next 21 days. Express why you accepted this challenge and what you hope to achieve from it.

Check on the contract, and you've got my commitment right here. That just leaves me to explain my reasoning and hopes for this project. Well, I'm just gonna put it out there: I'm selfish and too often bogged down by my feelings of self-importance in relation to my emotions. I live at the mercy of my emotions, which I simply can't seem to learn to master, and my tendency is to focus on the negatives way more often than the positives. But, for the love of all that is holy! I have a home, a loving husband, three beautiful and unique kids... I am provided for in all the necessary ways, regardless of our little troubles. So, the need for this type of project is readily apparent in my own life, and I hope I can gain a little more perspective by the end of the month. My biggest hope is that I can begin down a long, long path of learning to see the pros before the cons in my day to day life. I'm ready and (I hope) able, so here I am.
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Focusing on the positives,