On one occasion, hubby scored tickets to a show in Baltimore as a birthday present for me, and when we walked out, my cheeks ached like never before and I couldn't remember ever laughing that hard. That marked the first time that we saw Mitch Hedberg, and he soon became my favorite comedian of all time. This isn't the first time he's graced the space of my home on the web, but I'm bringing him here again, because on the 29th of the month, it will be five years since Mitch left us, horribly untimely and long
before he should have. While his own stupid choices led to his death, I'm still sorrowed five years later, because his sense of humor was absolutely unique and he is greatly missed.In honor of five years without any new Mitch material, I'm highlighting some of his funniest jokes all month over on my Facebook page and Twitter feed- oh yes, it's March's Month of Mitch! If you don't want to wait for a new one each day over there, you can check out the collection on his Wikiquote page. And, I'll keep track of my daily postings at the bottom of this post, too. If there is such a thing as an afterlife, I hope Mitch is cracking up all the folks around him with his one-of-a-kind perspective.
Missing you Mitch,
03/31: I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
03/30: I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured." Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.
03/28: I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.
03/27: I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks... it'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!
03/26: I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
03/25: I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."
03/24: A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.
03/23: I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
03/22: I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"
03/21: Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
03/20: As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
03/19: If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
03/18: You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
03/17: I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
03/16: I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
03/15: You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"
03/14: When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
03/13: I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!"
03/12: I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
03/11: I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut."
03/10: I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
03/09: When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
03/08: Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
03/07: I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
03/06: Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
03/05: By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
03/04: My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
03/03: I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
03/02: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
03/01: I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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