She's loud. ALL. THE. TIME. (Yeah, I know that writing fad is probably over, but the emphasis is totally warranted for this description.) I'm at a loss to get her to lower her voice in the house. I'm seriously nursing a pounding head every day lately, and I do think her volume is a factor. She's loud when she's happy, and she's loud when she's pissed. She's just loud period.
I give constant reminders about "inside voices," and I model for her the appropriate tone to use. I've been doing this for what seems like forever, all to no avail. A person close to us started chatting with me the other day about the techniques he used to use when he was teaching and kids would be too loud- make them sit out for a few minutes each time they shouted. That, he reported, only happened a couple of times until the child would remember and change their behavior.
I wasn't offended, and I know the intent behind the sharing was to be helpful. I just wish it worked that way in my situation. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that I'm not always consistent with consequences... I know that I can be heard giving multiple reminders without any consequences at times, so perhaps I'm more to blame than I'd like to think.
This afternoon gave me the perfect opportunity to try out a more straightforward approach. Red and Pudge were playing in the living room in some elaborate pretend scenario that involved caution tape being tied between two small chairs, several pairs of mittens and winter hats put on, papers from the art cabinet out, and pretend food scattered about the scene. (I couldn't figure it out... they have unique ideas.) Red, in the usual leader role, was excitedly shouting directions to Pudge, and I told her that she needed to use a quieter voice or she would have a time out.
Guess how long until I was sending her to the step? Did you say less than two minutes? Ding ding ding ding!
I directed her to sit on one particular step and that I would start her timer when she was quiet. This is nothing new, even though I have been getting away from time outs a bit lately... mostly because I'm not a fan of what happened next.
She screamed. I'm not sure of the right words, but the volume/pitch/tone and whatever else was OUTRAGEOUS. My ears began to ring, and I was in a different room. She screamed and screamed and screamed.
For twenty minutes. Two-zero.
During those twenty minutes, I reiterated a couple of times that her time out would start as soon as she got on the step and got quiet- then I would start the timer. I stayed calm, didn't raise my voice (miracle in itself) and stuck with what I started. I went about my business, washing dishes, prepping dinner, and just turned NPR up a couple notches.
Eventually, she was quiet for a second and I asked if she was ready. She had her thumb in her mouth (yup, she's 4.5... it's not ideal, but she still does it for comfort and when she's tired... sue me), and she nodded. I set the timer, and those 4 minutes flew by. Beep beep beep beep, and soon enough she's standing before me for the post-time-out-talk. I tried to make it quick and emphasize that it all started because she was being too loud, as well as point out that when she continues to throw her fit, we can't move on. I did it all by the book, right Super Nanny??
Oh, whatever. I don't have a copy of the book, and I can't even find it in the card catalog. (How freaking old am I, you must be asking!) All I know is that when I talk to friends or write about my kids and their fits, I get lots of reassurances that I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every single kind word that points out that other parents have to deal with tantrumy kids, too. But, I can't help but worry that our situation is more than just the normal fit-throwing kind.
What if? My worries are getting bigger and bigger. Should we be doing more than just trying our darnedest to be consistent, or should we be booking that evaluation right about now? Are these emotional self-control challenges something that are just in my kids? Nature or nurture, right?
I'm a mom, and combine that with my childhood Catholic upbringing, and you've got one great expert on guilt. I've got guilt oozing out of my pores on any given day, and I can't help but wonder how this is my fault. What am I doing wrong?
I don't know what happens next, but I have a hard time believing or hoping that this intensity in her is going to suddenly abate. I'm not sure this is something I can time out out of her. No matter how Super Nanny I go on her butt.
Guilt-ridden and nursing a headache,
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