the return of the blahs

After an evening out with some friends recently, two of us decided to ignore the fact that we each have children who wake us up early in the morning, and we opted to head to a local diner instead. At 1:00 am. We shared a plate of fries and relished in a conversation that continued for an hour and a half uninterrupted by demands from the short people in our lives.

One topic that came up, among the many that went all over the map, was about the journals we've kept over the years. I don't know where all of mine are, but as I remember back to the little diaries (probably purchased from the Scholastic school order form) that I wrote in as a child or to the composition books that I scrawled in as a college student, I am confident in one memory: the emotions poured onto these pages was overwhelmingly negative. Apparently, even as a snotty-nosed eight year old, I was most compelled to put pen to paper when I felt badly. I have sometimes feared that a comprehensive look at the last four years of this blog might reveal the same thing.

The difference between those tear-streaked pages (seriously, for I was a bit of a dramatic child) and the online collection of thoughts that is my blog is simple: a level of self-censorship. As hard as that may be to believe, I do hold back from putting the deepest and darkest of my thoughts here. For as much self-doubt that I may express, there are truckloads that remain unwritten, especially in the parenting realm where I continue to feel uncertain on a daily basis. But really, when my mood turns especially dark, I tend to just avoid opening this space at all. Why say anything nice, when you can say nothing at all?

A look at the holes in between posts over the last year or so reveals these "blah" periods, one of which is currently in full swing. In the physical sense, I feel crappy- headaches and back issues are occurring regularly again, but I can't seem to find the motivation to get moving in any way that might be beneficial. I would like to get more sleep, but I've been having emotionally-charged dreams every night that leave me exhausted upon waking up, which doesn't do much in the way of motivating me to get moving either. During the day, I stare at my to do list and at the things that need to be done all around me and feel overwhelmed by the lack of time and the never-ending home projects.

Blah. That's where I'm at, and I thought I'd kick it old school and put the negative down on record. I'm hoping that with the next month's worth of excitement- including a fifth birthday celebration for the wackiest redhead in our family and a family trip to Florida- there will be a brightening of the mood and more reasons to blog away happily.


Blah blah blah,