my thoughts exactly, old school style, number one

When I first started this blog way back in the spring of 2005, I only had to think for two minutes to decide upon a title. "My Thoughts Exactly" (with proper capitalization) was the name of the column I wrote during my sophomore and junior years of college, and from what I can remember, the tone of my short pieces were blog-like in nature even back then.

I was up in the attic recently and came upon a bag of journals, folders and calendars from my college years. Tucked between two composition notebooks was a small pile of newspaper clippings, dating from September 1995 to January 1996. I'm not sure why I thought of clipping only those eight columns, but it's been really funny to revisit my writing "voice" from sixteen years ago. And I'm thrilled beyond what I can express that I've been able to digitally record the little graphic that my roommate Annemieke created to accompany my weekly column. As you can see, I've pretty much had this same hairstyle for the last twenty years.

While I'm on a little bloggy hiatus, I thought that featuring a couple of those old college newspaper columns- the first incarnation of my thoughts exactly- would be a nice way to fill in the gaps. Today, I bring to you a wistful, longing post from the fall of my junior year. This piece first appeared in Elmira College's The Octagon on Tuesday, October 3, 1995. I'm posting here exactly as it was originally written, as much as I'd like to make some changes.

As I was walking home from Arnot-Ogden Hospital the other day, I couldn't stop thinking about the whole concept of "home." (Not that you're worried or anything, but I'm just doing my community service at the day care there, I wasn't sick or injured, okay?) Every time I'm there, I watch all the kids get picked up by their parents, and listen as they talk about getting to go home. Then I leave, walk through a neighborhood filled with families behind every window, and return to my little room.

Last time I walked through that happy, friendly neighborhood, I got so depressed about the prospect of  coming back to just my little room. I really started to miss having a house to return to, complete with different rooms to choose from, fat-filled snacks to munch on, and people to relax with. For the first time since maybe the third or fourth week of my freshman year, I realized I was really homesick.

I guess it was just the whole concept of home. One house that I pass on my walk has those electric candles in all the windows on the first floor, and has what looks like an extremely comfortable living room on the other side of the window. (I wasn't peeping, just glancing!) Okay, the candles may be a bit corny and out of season, but you cannot look at this house without thinking "COZY!" and the thought of a dorm room just doesn't cut it.

When I realized I was actually a little homesick, I started to remember all the reasons I kept counting down the days all summer until we returned to EC. I guess homesick doesn't necessarily mean you want to immediately return there, I just wanted that "homey" feeling to be there when I went back to my room. So, for now I just leave my little desk lamp on and talk to my plants. Hey, you gotta work with what you got!

Apparently, my parenthetical love began many, many years ago, and I've yet to kick my habit of starting sentences with the word "so." Ah, the things you realize when you get a glimpse of your younger self. I can clearly remember sitting at that ancient computer in the newspaper office in the basement of the Campus Center writing that very column, tears falling down my cheeks. The fall of my junior year was such an emotional time, with both my fabulous cute-graphics-drawing roommate of the previous two years, and my beloved boyfriend of the previous two years off at new colleges, needing much bigger campuses than Elmira's on which to spread their wings. Loneliness was the order of the day, every day, that fall, and this column really hit on that.

As I typed those words in tonight, I realized that I now have a home, albeit a small one. I have multiple rooms to sit in, and I definitely have fat-filled snacks on which to munch. Best of all, I have four people whose presence eliminates the role of loneliness in my life today.



Strolling down memory lane,