light in the darkness

In my emotional world, it is difficult to fully focus on the feeling of joy. I can deeply enjoy a moment or an experience, and I laugh raucously quite frequently, but to truly feel content and joyful is a challenge.

But right now is perhaps one of the most joyful times in our family's life. A dream that began several years ago has been fulfilled. For the first time in years, I won't be wistfully checking house listings. For the first time in ten months, I won't be concerned with an end date for my family's current housing situation. For the first time in my adult life, I have the "big boy" house I could only ever dream about.

a gift awaiting me after walking out of closing, care of a thoughtful and sweet husband

The top goals of our spontaneous move 350 miles from the area we called home for twenty years had to do with schooling and housing. That first goal has been met by all measures. The kids' elementary school provides an environment for them that is engaging, supportive, and respectful, and they are happy among their peers. They have made friends in the neighborhood, and it's lovely to know they are comfortable heading out to play. On a walk with the dog this evening, we came upon our youngest's scooter on the sidewalk in front of the house of a friend of his. (The moving company sticker that still adorns the handlebar was an easy giveaway.) To know that he was inside having fun with a pal was a delightful feeling. The teenager has settled well into his new program, and he's doing well in his second to last year of high school.

Ten months ago, we began the search for housing, and it was an obstacle-ridden path there for a while. Four ultimately cancelled contracts on two houses later, it was starting to feel desolate. I had a constant countdown clock in my head of the amount of time left on our lease, thankful that we'd found this one-year solution, but terrified that we wouldn't have something in place before the buzzer.

And then, it all worked out, as so many friends and family members assured us it would. We're now in the most serendipitous situation that we could have asked for. I am grateful. I am in disbelief. I am fully aware of just how fortunate we are.

But what a time we are in. As much as I may want to jump up and down with joy and focus on the incredible future we have ahead of ourselves as we move into our new home in a few months, I am painfully aware of the troubles in the world around me. My heart aches for the devastation individuals are living with right this very moment, whether it be from police violence and a disgusting lack of justice, or the terror of living in a civil war, or the need to protest in life-threatening conditions in an attempt to protect one's right to clean water, or facing daily life without access to clean water, or the fear that people of color and the LGBTQ community face with each day's new revelation about the incoming administration's plans for the future of our country and how it might affect their civil rights. Persecution, hatred, racism, injustice, violence. I feel the weight of it in my heart, and my only exposure is through what I read on my computer screen or hear on my phone. There are actual human beings for whom these abstract concepts are actual reality.

How does one fully embrace such extravagant fortune in the face of the world's realities? Perhaps it's just what I know best, but I can't help but feel guilt along with my excitement.

So it's a tempered joy that is in my heart right now. I look forward to moments I can already picture in my head of the coming months and years in our new home. Gratitude runs through my veins, alongside sorrow for the world.