Lately, I feel as if life has been an experience of extremes. Life is so damn good, and life is so damn heart-wrenching.
I often sit at my kitchen table in front of my laptop and read through my social media timelines, following news link after news link, and my emotions ride a wild roller coaster. I share -- to some, perhaps, overshare -- stories and images that I want others to see for both raising awareness and sharing in my own rage.
I want to be aware, don't get me wrong. I remember that story that came out after the election about an individual whose plan was to isolate himself away from all news, presumably for his mental health. While I can see the personal value in that, I can't see myself going that route. I feel something akin to a responsibility to stay at least somewhat informed, especially at a time like this, when each week (day?!) brings a new story that highlights the injustices of our society with its patriarchal and racist foundations.
Today, I made the decision to watch as much of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee. I sat at my kitchen table and propped up my phone with NPR's live stream of the hearing. As I watched, I yelled into the empty air of the room and out my open windows, I banged my fist on the table, and I cried angry tears for this woman whose composure and bravery astounded me for hour after hour. I even messaged an old friend to talk about some stilted memories of my own high school years for assistance in filling out experiences that she and I shared that have been popping back up in my head this week after all these years. At times through this viewing, I tried to distract myself with some other menial online tasks. One of them ended up being the inspiration of this post.
For before sitting down at my table this morning, I had walked our neighborhood loop with my husband and our two dogs and I had thoughts of appreciation for the change, abrupt as it was, Mother Nature has recently brought us. Yesterday, I had reveled in the cool air and sat on the ground by the garden where a butterfly bush, two hummingbird feeders, and several dying sunflowers were attracting a multitude of different insects, birds, and other creatures. I had noticed that the hummingbird feeders needed refreshing because the hornets/wasps/yellow-jackets (which as hard as I try, I still have difficulty identifying correctly) had taken over. And yet, even with half a dozen or more of the yellow and black buzzers claiming the feeders as their own, there were still a couple hummingbirds who kept trying for a place. Watching the whole scene play out as I sat on the path was calming and soothing, and I had hoped to have a repeat experience today.
After prepping new sugar water last night, along with bringing in the feeders at a time when getting stung was less of a risk, this morning their refreshing and replacement was at the top of the to do list. At first, I went out without any expectations, or even my phone, thinking I would simply hang the feeders and watch them periodically through the morning to see if they were seeing any patrons. But within a few seconds of hanging them, two hornets/wasps/yellow-jackets flew right up from the bush below to start drinking. I watched them with some frustration, figuring that I gotta take the bad with the good, when the good decided to show itself just as quickly.
One lone female ruby-throated hummingbird came along from out of nowhere and hovered adjacent to the feeder, seemingly observing both the feeder and my face which was mere inches away. She proceeded to take a few sips at several of the plastic flower openings of the feeder to my left, and then she zipped over to the other feeder which was even closer to me. She drank from three of the four openings there, as well, quick sips via her long, thin tongue, all the while flapping her wings with a speed that rendered them virtually invisible.
I was practically holding my breath during this time, knowing that it could be over in a fraction of a second, wondering how this exquisite creature was interpreting my presence. As a response, she zipped over to the very front of my face, hovering at my eye level for a few seconds, clearly checking me out as I did the same to her. I was still wearing the baseball cap that I don for pre-shower morning dog walks, and I kid you not when I report that this hummingbird flew around my head, landing momentarily on my hat as she presumably checked out this odd, white covering.
Of course, as I mentioned earlier, I was without my phone, so I was hopeful that I'd get another shot if I grabbed it and came back. I wasn't disappointed. In fact, it was almost as if this hummingbird had become my newest friend and was waiting for me to come back. I stood in the same spot, but this time held my phone at my eye level with my finger hovering over the button to take a pic. It only took a few seconds before she returning in her shimmering green glory.
I wish I had more than just my phone's camera, but even in their less-than-stellar quality, they give a perfect perspective for how far the bird was from my face, as I didn't zoom in at all, just cropped at the same scale afterward. My very favorite photo is the blurriest one below, but that's only because I didn't have the chance to tap it to refocus when the hummingbird came the closest to my face yet.
Eventually, I returned to my kitchen table, and I started up the video of Dr. Blasey Ford's testimony. And I yelled, banged my fist, and cried. But as I pulled up these pictures in my favorite online photo editing site, I cropped and brightened the images a bit and realized what a juxtaposition I was in at that very moment. I was gazing upon nature's beauty and reliving a moment of wonder while also watching and listening to a woman having to relive a horrifying traumatic experience in front of a giant room of people and hundreds of thousands of remote viewers.
Life is beautiful.
Life is ugly.
Life is terrifying.
Life is amazing.
As I wrote this post today, I took a couple breaks, even went for a big walk in the rain. But each time I came back to it, I found myself glancing over my right shoulder every few minutes to gaze out the window. The butterfly bush, the hummingbird feeders, and the sunflowers kept providing those reminders of the beauty in the world. At this very minute, a female hummingbird, perhaps my new bestie from this morning, is resting atop the metal pole that holds the twin feeders. A tufted titmouse just landed on a sunflower and began pecking away to loosen some seeds. A squirrel just finished squeaking out a soft song while sitting in typical squirrel fashion on the fence around our a/c unit. The cardinals' calls are echoing in both directions behind me, as they do their late afternoon communicating.
I chose not to watch the second half of the Senate hearing this afternoon, opting to close the live stream when Dr. Blasey Ford was finished speaking. I know that I'll watch clips of the nominee's testimony at some point. But there's a limit to how much of the extremes I can take in one day.
Title inspiration: "Beautiful Day" by U2
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