closing time

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

In less than two weeks, I will lose a part of me. Well, a couple parts of me, to be exact. Put me in the category of "women of a certain age," because it's time for a hysterectomy.

I'll refrain from the details of the why, because who wants to read words like pelvic floor and menorrhagia, right? Some would argue that there's no need to discuss such matters among good company. Some would say this is a private matter that doesn't belong in a public sphere, such as a blog.

I would say to those some: "Grow the fuck up."

You know what I think we need more of? More talking. More opening up. More sharing. More spreading reality and truth in all of its beauty and ugliness. The more we talk about the realities of life, the more connections with others that can be made.

When I first became a parent, I felt totally lost, partly due to postpartum depression, partly due to my dear child's colic and general discomfort being out in the world, and partly because I felt like I was the only one struggling. This was a bit before social media ruled our lives, but I still felt like all I saw out there were happy parents happily parenting, doing nothing but winning at life. Add in all the Facebook posts and Instagram photos, etc, etc, that inundate our newsfeeds today, and it can appear as if everyone is picture perfect all the time.

But we know the truth. They're not. We're all struggling with something at some point, and imagine if we were all open a bit more? Wouldn't that feel affirming?

And beyond the emotions, which usually consume about 98.7% of my energy, there's also just the information. I had zero experience with breastfeeding when my first child was born-- I had never seen anyone breastfeed, didn't have experienced mothers in my life to turn to-- and I felt like such a freaking failure when it didn't come even close to easy. Now, as the parent to three children either in adolescence or rapidly approaching it, I have had countless conversations aimed at informing my children of what will be coming in their development, because I know that information is power. I want them to know what is typical so that they don't think themselves to be weird or alone. I want them to have information to consult when they find themselves on the precipice of big decisions.

But it's harder on this end to be approaching menopause and not having a guide, as it were. I'm finding that if I initiate conversations with friends, the floodgates do often open, so I must not be the only one looking for support and community.

Here I am today, to say that I'm terrified and excited, hopeful and mournful as I prepare for this life-changing surgery. I gave birth to three babies, an even 28 pounds all together, in three natural childbirths. The first birth involved over three hours of pushing alone. I have been overweight for much of my adult life, really lacking in core strength. I have a family history of pelvic floor prolapse, with a couple close female relatives who've gone before me in this type of surgery. For the last decade, I've apparently been having periods that are abnormally heavy, causing me to become anemic each month as I struggled through a few days that I thought were just my norm. All of these are factors or symptoms that lead to the usefulness of a hysterectomy and pelvic floor repair surgery.

I'm choosing to share my details because if someone had shared theirs with me, perhaps I would have sought out medical advice earlier. Maybe I would have had some of these issues-- or hell, all of them-- addressed long ago.

I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about when discussing these types of 'personal' matters, because they can be pretty common to us as women. Too common, actually. As devastatingly scared as I am to be choosing to have a surgery, I am filled with hope that this will be a game changer. I've only ever been in the hospital one time in my adult life for an emergency appendectomy, and I still recoil when I think of that experience. But, I'm doing it, fear and all.

And I'm not shying away from talking about it.


Title inspiration: "Closing Time" by Semisonic