and here's the hand, my trusty friend

A friend and I were having a conversation about a series we both recently started when the topic of the side characters Rosencrantz and Guildenstern came up, as they were referenced in an episode I hadn't yet watched. My friend wasn't very familiar with the characters or their roles in Hamlet. I, on the other hand, have a wee bit of an (almost 30-year) obsession with these characters and the Tom Stoppard play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. See, when I was a senior in high school my AP English teacher, the fantastic and formidable Dr. Carol Robbins, assigned this play, and after we read it, we watched the 1990 film adaptation, which was the beginning of my love for these two characters. 

Back in that 92/93 classroom, Dr. Robbins (who was an incredible teacher and mentor to me, and whose passing a few years ago brought tears and reminiscing) engaged us in discussions about the concept of existentialism, and me being the student I was, I participated and tried my best to take it all in. Apparently, it did not sink in at all, as my paper about the play and the relationship between the characters' experiences and the philosophy of existentialism was returned to me with the biggest, reddest F on the top, along with a note from Dr. Robbins indicating that I did not seem to understand the concept at all.

No, no I did not. But, that F was motivation for me to actually figure out what this existentialism thing was all about. In the decades since my senior year in high school, I've rewatched the 1990 film several times, got to see an amazing production at the Folger Theater in DC, and sat in an Ohio movie theater watching a live stream of a performance at London's The Old Vic, starring Daniel Radcliffe as one of the titular characters, no less. 

I adore this play, and I adore these characters, and as I talked with my friend about what I know about them and the play, I realized that I still don't have that great a grasp on the concept of existentialism. 

So this conversation with my friend inspired me to both pull out the old DVD for another viewing of Tim Roth and Gary Oldman flipping coins and wandering through their confused and confusing days until the meet their sad fates, and try some new reading about existentialism, which finally lead to me feeling there could be a connection between this train of thought and the annual year's end post I had been putting off on this almost defunct blog space. 

Yes, since my frequent blogging days of 2007, I've written a post each December to mark down some of the happiest moments and themes of the year. But last year, after 13 straight years of documenting the silly, the goofy, and the funny things I'd remember fondly, I changed up the format, because... well, 2020. As it went, 2021 turned out to be an interesting sequel, and I don't see myself returning to that old top ten format again this year either. 

While the question of what I would do-- or not do-- to mark this year has been rattling around in my head for weeks, after my conversation with my friend, it suddenly had to share space with my reignited interest in exploring existentialism, and the two bits of thought settled in quite nicely together. This particular article, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as Existential Antiheroes and de Beauvoir's Subman" would have done me a whole lot of good back in high school, and I appreciate its help today, even as I'm no longer trying to get over that failing grade. If you, too, are interested, I highly suggest it as a thought-provoking read, but the biggest point I'm taking away from it is Sartre's declaration that "existence precedes essence," meaning that people exist before any definition of their purpose for existing. That is, we are what we make of ourselves. 

As I look back at this year, the question I'm left with is what did we make of ourselves in 2021?

I can tell you that as I sat here on the precipice of 2021 one year ago, I felt optimistic that we'd find our ways back to who we were before the pandemic began. Did that happen? Absolutely not; in fact, I'm not sure it will ever be possible to return to being those people. So, with Sartre's thoughts on existentialism in mind, it's worth pondering-- what did we become this year? 

In this stage of parenthood, it's tricky to know what or how much to share about the lives of these complex and ever-changing adolescents who I'm honored to call my kids. While this space has become almost obsolete as a record of our lives, it is still in the public domain and so, I'm opting not to share a whole lot about their personal lives here. Instead, let me look back on the year of being their mom, for if any identity of mine rises to the top, it is the one of parent. I'm fiercely proud of each of them, especially for the ways they've faced challenges head-on this year. This was a rough year in so many ways, and in just as many or more, this was also a mundane year of hanging out in the living room together, surrounded by snuggly animals and enjoying all the entertainment offered by NetHuDisPrime. As a parent, I hope I'm continuing to become the person they each need for love and support. If nothing else, I want the purpose of my life to be evident in my children. 

Since this isn't anything even near a research paper, I think it's okay to source Wikipedia for inspiration and reference. And this section on the "Existence precedes essence" page is heavy in my thoughts as I look back on this year:

To existentialists, human beings-- through their consciousness-- create their own values and determine a meaning for their life because the human being does not possess any inherent identity or value. That identity or value must be created by the individual. By posing the acts that constitute them, they make their existence more significant.

The values and meaning for my life in 2021 were so much defined by the relationships that I put my heart into. Family and friends are two different words for the same feeling, and at the end of yet another year, I am in awe at the love and support we continue to receive from the best human beings on this planet. My identity and purpose are so much defined by the people with whom I spend my days, whether those interactions be in person or, as so often has been the case for two years now, in virtual spaces. Thank all the gods in the history of gods for the technology that we have that has kept us connected even during the most isolated times of this pandemic. From paint nights to weird movies to taste tests of all varieties, raucous zoom calls and old-fashioned phone calls to endless exchanged memes, my people near and far always reminded me of the best meaning of my life-- connection.

I can't talk about my identity or the life that I make for myself every day without the center of it all being the man who has been my partner for the last twenty-seven years. This is the person who holds my hand through the hard stuff, laughs with me through the absurdities, and goes the extra mile to make the special moments happen. Who else would drive a couple hours so I could spend just a little while with some Brood X cicadas, 17 years after I first fell in love with them in another state? This guy. Seriously, this guy is my person, and the only way I could have gotten through this year is with him by my side.

And just to note that not everything in 2021 was emotionally heavy, because a big chunk of the life that I've created for myself involves the care of the three four-legged creatures that always seem to be by my side or under my foot or under the blanket next to me. If all I had in life was the unconditional love of these silly creatures, I'd still be lucky as hell.

May this year be remembered for who chose to be as we got vaccinated and boosted and wore masks in all the public spaces. To those in my life, thank you for helping me to continue to grow and learn, pushing me to be an even better version of myself. And whether or not I'll ever fully grasp existentialism may still be up for debate, but I'm happy to try. 

If you will be raising a glass this evening, may you toast all the people in this world who make you who you are. And don't forget to say a special good word in honor of Betty White, who left this world today after bringing decades of joy to us all. 

Here's to 2022 and the people we've yet to become.

Title inspiration: "Auld Lang Syne" by Barenaked Ladies