right now

Right now, I'm sitting in my downstairs library, a room filled with the books that bring me joy, from picture books to classic novels, and I'm sunken into an oversized beanbag-like seat covered in a velvety, corduroy casing. As I'm covered in a fleece blanket, I'm between two fuzzy and warm materials, hoping that my frozen toes will soon thaw. Right now, as in this exact moment in which I'm typing, is calm and quiet. A lull in a day full of ups and downs.

Right now, parenting is hard. The future sneaks not-so-slowly upon us, and for one child, big decisions must be made. Or postponed. A plan of some sort is needed, and it needs to be taking shape toward solidification soon. Challenging is an understatement. Too often with the kids, there are lingering issues of trust and honesty, and if bickering were an Olympic sport, all three of them would win gold. On a daily basis, I want to bang my head against a wall for some reason or another, and one question is never too far from my mind- What are we doing wrong?

Right now, parenting is fun. Jokes are shared, and humor can be more complex and still understood by all. Dinner conversations are lively and interesting, as everyone can join in with unique experiences and perspectives-- deep and thoughtful perspectives. Watching the classic family game shows Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune involves everyone's participation, making this particular mama happy. The children contribute to the well-being of the household, still often begrudgingly and only when directly instructed to do so, but their work on certain chores translates into fewer things I have to do, which is a nice parenting payout. Regularly, I am reminded of the qualities that each of my children possesses that make me proud.

Right now, simply put, life is good. We love where we live, and we love each other. We have more than we need, and we try to emphasize gratitude and humility. While there are always things we wish were different-- most especially, family and friends living closer-- we try to focus on staying connected in any way we can.

Right now, the world is on edge, and I along with it. I am constantly on the precipice of being full-blown incensed, horrified, disgusted at the state of racism, misogyny, bigotry, homophobia, xenophobia, and hatred on vivid display in the news of our society, our world. Disappointment comes, again and again, making it difficult to hope for a future with more (freedom, acceptance, diversity, inclusion) and less (hatred, systemic oppression, religious zealousness) for my children.

Right now, I struggle with the changing season, the grayness and chill that inspire nothing more than hiding under a blanket and lying still. I get lost in moments of sadness, worrying that they will spiral out larger and larger until they surround my entire being, pushing out all other emotions and leaving an emptiness in their wake. I long to eat long past satiation, stuffing sweet, salty, rich, savory in my mouth in response to the too-early sunsets and falling temperatures. I worry that I will succumb to these winter blues, losing progress on my work this year to be healthier.

Right now, I look around and see the natural beauty of the fall, crunching through leaf-covered sidewalks with the same glee I had as a New England born child. I walk around the house turning on warmly lit lamps and lighting votive candles in various holders, inviting soft light into my small world. Assorted blankets can be found in every room, near every cozy sitting spot, and I pull one over my legs on every occasion. I luxuriate in time spent watching familiar shows on the DVR or reading a book under a fleece cover, appreciating the relaxation and warmth.

Dickens certainly understood this, as never more has this rung true for me-- "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." There's an undeniable dichotomy to life right about now. It can be both exhilarating and exhausting, depending on which viewpoint I linger in, perhaps.

I know no pithy way to end this post, no short and sweet way of summing up what is essentially just life, except to say that I enjoy the examination of it all. Maybe that's all we can do, can control-- our awareness.